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Feature Story 

Halloween  Candy Controversy Erupts Regarding Distribution of Halloween Candy Products Among Halloween Trickers
Scary Times on for Halloween Costumes
Norman Morrison


The website which sells Halloween costumes made news when it offered up the opinion that Halloween candy should be shared.

Said one Halloween Trick or Treater, "Do you think I'm going to march through hell and Georgia to gather delicious Halloween candy and then offer to share it? I think these people must be nuts."

In other developments on this important issue, a radical witch coven in Bugdogzcz, Poland numbering four members and calling themselves the "Halloween Defense Fund," openly called for more understanding on the severe issue of sharing Halloween candy and threatened to cast a spell on anyone who disagrees with them.

The whole newsworthy and chilling debate and debacle began when the website published this opinion:

"Thus, on November 1st, the morning after Halloween, you should get in the habit of calling all of your friends who saved money by not purchasing a Halloween Costume here and staying at home on Halloween evening. Call them at 10AM in the morning and wake them up.Tell them to come straight to your house.

When they arrive, greet them at the door with a chilled pumpkin juice bracer and sit them down on the floor in a circle. Then take your pumpkin or grocery bag full of delicious Halloween Candy that you gathered on Halloween night, and give each of your friends an equal portion of your candy. Of course it is only fair that you share with your less fortunate friends who stayed home to watch reality TV. Isn't it?"

The U.S. State Department did not offer to comment publicly, but in a confidential statement issued by an unnamed source said, "We take the matter of sharing Halloween candy very seriously. It is out unstated position that it is only right that those with more Halloween candy should be expected to contribute to those who have none, or less."

"It is precisely this sort of shared sacrifice that will bring Halloweeners of the world closer together and foster a tradition and feeling of mutual understanding. After all, going green for Halloween will reduce substantially the specter of global warming and reduce climate change, which none of us care much for."

"In other words, those who are winners in life's Halloween lottery who trick or treat from their corporate jet planes will be ultimately forced to give their ill gotten Halloween candy to those who have to walk from door to door for their meager candy handouts (Which, they in turn must give to those who decided to stay at home), or those who choose to stay at home and watch television instead of going abroad for candy treats. If this is not accomplished within the week, we fear a general world wide destabilization and further global chaos as regards trick or treating."

When asked for a comment by this reporter, declined. However, a confidential source inside the organization professed amazement that their stance on sharing Halloween candy caused global strife. He claimed that the whole thing was bogus anyway. He said that, of course, nobody is going to willingly share their Halloween candy, and only a pack of brain dead zombies would be dumb enough to think that they were serious. Worse, he says that Halloween candy is only a minor secondary focus of their noble website, as it was mainly established to offer Halloween costumes for sale at great prices.

Even so, the website has sparked a global debate on not whether Halloween candy should be shared, because everyone knows it should be, but rather, how much of the trick or treat candy should be given away. Depending on which view you subscribe to, it could be anywhere from all to 140% of the Halloween evening take.

This, of course, brings into play, global devaluation of the global pound of Halloween candy, and instruments by which settlement will be made between the debtor Halloween candy possessors and those who will ensure that everyone shares in the evening's haul.

The Justice Department is looking into suggesting penalties for anyone found eating their Halloween Candy before arriving at the candy collection centers to be established around the country to patriotically give up their candy to those who elected to remain at home on Halloween night.

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