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Halloween Candy Controversy
Erupts Regarding Distribution of Halloween Candy Products Among
Scary Times on HalloweenHome.net for
By Norman Morrison
website HalloweenHome.net which sells Halloween costumes made news
when it offered up the opinion that Halloween candy should be
Said one Halloween Trick or Treater, "Do you think I'm
going to march through hell and Georgia to gather delicious
Halloween candy and then offer to share it? I think these people
must be nuts."
In other developments on this important issue, a radical
witch coven in Bugdogzcz, Poland numbering four members and calling
themselves the "Halloween Defense Fund," openly called for more
understanding on the severe issue of sharing Halloween candy
and threatened to cast a spell on anyone who disagrees with them.
The whole newsworthy and chilling debate and debacle began
when the HalloweenHome.net website published this opinion:
"Thus, on November 1st, the morning after Halloween, you
should get in the habit of calling all of your friends who saved
money by not purchasing a Halloween Costume here and staying at home
on Halloween evening. Call them at 10AM in the morning and wake them
up.Tell them to come straight to your house.
When they arrive, greet them at the door with a chilled
pumpkin juice bracer and sit them down on the floor in a circle.
Then take your pumpkin or grocery bag full of delicious Halloween
Candy that you gathered on Halloween night, and give each of your
friends an equal portion of your candy. Of course it is only fair
that you share with your less fortunate friends who stayed home to
watch reality TV. Isn't it?"
The U.S. State Department did not offer to comment
publicly, but in a confidential statement issued by an
unnamed source said, "We take the matter of sharing Halloween candy
very seriously. It is out unstated position that it is only right
that those with more Halloween candy should be expected to
contribute to those who have none, or less."
"It is precisely this sort of shared sacrifice that will
bring Halloweeners of the world closer together and foster a
tradition and feeling of mutual understanding. After all, going
green for Halloween will reduce substantially the specter of global
warming and reduce climate change, which none of us care much for."
"In other words, those who are winners in life's Halloween
lottery who trick or treat from their corporate jet planes will be
ultimately forced to give their ill gotten Halloween candy to those
who have to walk from door to door for their meager candy handouts
(Which, they in turn must give to those who decided to stay at
home), or those who choose to stay at home and watch television
instead of going abroad for candy treats. If this is not
accomplished within the week, we fear a general world wide
destabilization and further global chaos as regards trick or
When asked for a comment by this reporter,
HalloweenHome.net declined. However, a confidential source
inside the organization professed amazement that their stance on
sharing Halloween candy caused global strife. He claimed that the
whole thing was bogus anyway. He said that, of course, nobody is
going to willingly share their Halloween candy, and only a pack of
brain dead zombies would be dumb enough to think that they were
serious. Worse, he says that Halloween candy is only a minor
secondary focus of their noble website, as it was mainly established
to offer Halloween costumes for sale at great prices.
Even so, the
HalloweenHome.net website has sparked a global debate on not
whether Halloween candy should be shared, because everyone knows it
should be, but rather, how much of the trick or treat candy should
be given away. Depending on which view you subscribe to, it could be
anywhere from all to 140% of the Halloween evening take.
This, of course, brings into play, global devaluation of
the global pound of Halloween candy, and instruments by which
settlement will be made between the debtor Halloween candy
possessors and those who will ensure that everyone shares in the
The Justice Department is looking into suggesting
penalties for anyone found eating their
arriving at the candy collection centers to be established around
the country to patriotically give up their candy to those who
elected to remain at home on Halloween night.