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Of Windows and Men                  (Never used a Mac. Sorry.)

     Recently, in a rousing new volume by the beloved humorist, Merle Twain, called "Up Computer River Without A CPU", an ancillary character, a wise old man of the river, said to young protagonist,  Tom, "Young Tom, the basic underlying principle of the Windows operating system is...Copy and paste. To know and understand this will bring you much joy and happiness."
     Unfortunately, the wise old man of the river was later mangled by a ravening beaver, but I won't tell you more lest I divulge the surprise ending of the epic river journey of young Tom. The truth given to young Tom by the wise old river rat lives on, however...

╞The Directory
     One of the first things an aspiring young computerist does is to start saving files willy nilly. Click/save. Click/save. The only problem is that when he goes back to find his beloved treasure, where's he going to look? The trick is to have a game plan first. I suggest that you put as few folders in the root directory...the little pane on the left in your Windows Explorer, as possible. Make only folders that will contain folders. For example...Temp. I LOVE my Temp folder. I have buhzillions of folders inside my temp folder, yet, in my all important root directory, there is only...Temp. It's neat!
     If your directory needs adjusting, then, my friend, employ copy (or cut) and paste to reorder everything so that it's neat and tidy. In my directory, the three main root folders that get use are my temp folder, download folder, and my picture folder. I made them all myself. If you are into music, you can make a music folder as well. Inside these folders you'll place everything that is to come. Makes sense, doesn't it? Of course, you will make a very sparingly few other root folders depending on your needs and situation, but the operative word is...sparing.

     You know, you can copy and paste nearly everything on your computer. This goes for text, files, pictures...You name it. Even your desktop is a folder, of a sort. Learn the art of wise copy and paste and you'll be a happy computerist for sure!

╞Surprise! You got mail... and more stuff too!
     The last thing you need is a virus mail. Why do you think young Tom left the world as he knew it to become a river raft bum? Every other mail he got had a virus in it and he brought every one of them into his computer. Sigh! If he had only known there is an easy way around this problem!
     While I have no reason to believe this will work with AOL, it will work with most any other ISP. (Internet Service Provider.) I use a little chat program called ICQ to check my mail on the server. Yes, ICQ is a chat program, and you can use it to chat, but the greatest thing about it is that you can also use it to preview mail on your server before you ever download it. It will give you the headers and some of the text. You decide if you want it or not...and if you don't, with a couple of clicks you can dispose of it. It's the neatest little thing, and it's free! You can't beat that!
     If you want to give it a try, visit ICQ.com and download version 2003b. This is not the current version, btw, but an older one which works just fine!
     Another word about mail... Never ever never use your primary email account indiscriminately. Your primary account is your identity with your internet service provider and the one mail you can't change or lose without creating a new account, probably at some expense.
     The trick to keeping your main mail safe and clean is to just don't use it. Chances are great that your provider will allow you to create additional mail accounts. It's one of the most overlooked features by web enthusiasts. Create an account that will give you an email you can use with your friends...and online companies. Many folks have a Yahoo or Hotmail account for just such purposes, and this is great and it works, but it's so much nicer to have it all right there in your mailbox when possible! When it gets spam bitten, just delete it and come again with a nice new secondary account. Try this and you will be a happy computerist for sure!  

Ignorance is Bliss! Don't Backup!

╞Don't do today what you can do tomorrow!
     The old man of the river never worried about backing up...but then he got devoured by a ravening beaver. Sometimes it's best to back up.
     On the other hand, statistics prove conclusively that folks who don't back up live longer and happier lives. Why? Because they are ignorant. Ignorant people are invariably happier because when life hands them a lemon instead of a juicy apple they are just too dumb to know it. Wouldn't it be great to go through life like this? Gee!
     But, then, there are the responsible people...the folks who have to watch out for all the others. They have to backup, and do it frequently. And when they don't, not all the Mylanta and Tums in Calhoun County will put out the raging fire in their belly when woe of woes, the data has poofed.
     The cure for heartburn is to backup and backup frequently. You begin backing up as soon as you start that letter in your word processor. You hit that CTRL-S (Save) key frequently, and with force.
     After your day's work is done, you backup your efforts to CD, DVD, floppy, tape, external hard drive...in short, whatever you have. While backing up may in itself cause high blood pressure, the consequences of not backing up is too terrible to contemplate. Don't let it be you who screams and screams and screams when the day's data is flying out the window to Mars never to be seen again. Backup, and backup frequently. This is a primary secret of happy computing!

Computer Anomalies The famous Face on Mars picture, left, is an example of an anomaly... Before you send your computer to Mars with a swift kick, check this out.

╞You have a mystery computer thing?
     So you have developed a really strange computer anomaly? (I have never used this word before, having seen it only in science fiction movies. I think it fits nicely!) It means literally, something unexplainable using your God given wetware logic process and native intelligence.
     Fret not my friend! In all likelihood, someone has already plowed this field. Do what I do. Go to Google and type in your question. Similarly, you can go to to Ask.com, and ask Jeeves. The chances are very high that you will find copious amounts of solutions to your perplexing computer question.   
     Assuming you are somewhat computer literate...and this is no slight, for I have often said that learning computer is like going to college, you'll find the fix for your computer fit! Googling is often more productive than going straight to the Microsoft Knowledge Base, which, if you have to use it, proves that you are beyond redemption in the first and second place. (The third place is customer support, which you can do if you speak Hindu. Toodeloo!)

╞The folly of follies is to compute unprotected...
     No matter how careful you are, you will be smitten by a virus one sunny day. The choice of how badly you are afflicted is a choice you have. Without antivirus software installed and up to date, your computer could seize up and die, or it could make you wish it were dead. Computer viruses, especially the dread Beaver Virus are sneaky and bad. They infest your computer as worms and Trojan Horses too. Some turn your sweet pure computer into an incubator for more inhuman computer monster babies to inflict other computers, much like that guy who, full of undigested spaghetti, exploded at the dinner table on the movie, Alien. To have this happen at the evening repast is embarrassing, not to mention messy.
     If you compute, and you are not gladly willing to frequently format your C drive, I suggest that you make sure that you have a good antivirus program installed with the latest updates. Personally, I favor Norton Antivirus which can be set to update automatically. While it won't catch 100% of the nasty verminous viri that can cause you pain and suffering, it will catch most before they can do damage and get rid of them.
     Even with the best protection, it's wise to be very afraid of attachments. Some folks, (and you know exactly who they are) will click on anything that comes across their screens. Silly people.
     With practice and common sense you can avoid clicking on the wrong attachments most of the time. For those pesky uh-ohs, there is your virus software backing you up.
     A monstrous great resource for you to surf is the Symantec.com website, the makers of Norton. There is buckets and tons of information on there including a database of all known virus creatures. If you suspect you have a virus attachment, simply go look it up on Symantec. But whatever you do...do not click. That way lies madness. I know. From personal experience.

╞Now that you are safe from viruses, worms, spirochetes, and such....                  
     Enter sneaky Spyware....
          So, you are sitting there happily computing and for no particular reason, your hard drive is churning and running and, and especially if you are a modem user, you notice that something is downloading to your computer...and it ain't you doing it. Well, it could be something non-sinister like a legitimate automatic program update (Norton AntiVirus is a good example) or it could be something more insidious... It could be your computer uploading info about you to an unknown and unfindable super computer somewhere else.
     If it turns out to be the latter, don't be mad at your poor computer. The girl can't help it. Besides, it was you that started the whole ball rolling. Oh yes!
     It started with that real good and FREE software program that calculates the calories in toe nail clippings that you just couldn't live without. You used it twice and then forgot all about it. What you didn't know, my friend, is that hidden inside that freebie was another program that fires up every time your computer is turned on and tracks your every movement on the internet. At set times it uploads your information over the internet to another computer which compiles information to be sorted, studied, fixed and spiffed, and then sold to folks who are interested to know how you like your eggs in the morning. Oh yes!
 
     (One of the most infamous spyware boosted programs is the music download program Kaaza. Got that one on your computer? If so, you also got more stuff.)

     You can't say enough bad and awful things about spyware or those who trade in it. It's nothing less than theft of your stuff. What's more, even if you don't mind strangers scratching around in your computer, you will mind that spyware slows down the performance of your computer, especially, again, if you are still using a modem. When the thieves are sniffing around your hard drive, that's bandwidth you don't have. Mad yet?
     Luckily, a few years ago, some really smart computerists out there in the ether caught wind of the spy game and blew the whistle. Nowadays, there are programs that you can use to defeat nasty spyware. Like antivirus protection, this is must-have stuff you should have in your arsenal...... 
     Oh...oh...what? Yes, yes...aha! So someone asked why not just remove the program with the spyware. Go ahead. Try it. The problem is that the actual spyware program is deposited elsewhere on your hard drive and you'll probably never find it. Remove the original program all you want...the spyware stays, happily working away in the background.
     So back to the two free programs you should get and use on a regular basis... One is called Spybot, and the other is called AdAware. The programs are free and will clean the bulk of all tattle-tale spyware from your computer. You can find them on download.com. Another great place is pcworld.com. There are several spyware removers on the market that you can pay your dough for, but oddly enough the two freebies mentioned above always rate as some of them most effective.
     Get the programs and use them often. You will be in for a big surprise the first time you run them and see all the trash talking programs you've collected. Remember that you heard it from me.

╞Computer Battery Feeling A Little Low Lately?
     One chapter in the rousing book by humorist Merle Twain called "Up Computer River Without A CPU" describes how young Tom, stuck upriver, repaired his beaver infested raft after the battery ran down. "It's a low down feeling I got," said young Tom, when the lights went out. He knew he had only moments to act as the ravenous fanged beavers started edging closer to his river raft home...
     Similarly, you'll have a low down feeling if your CMOS battery runs down. There are ample resources on the internet to explain how to replace your CMOS battery, but first you must know you need one!
     The first clue that the little coppertop is running out of juice is that your clock starts getting really addled, like reporting the date as August 87, 3411. If you keep your machine long enough, (and usually this means really long) it's going to happen some day. Keeping it in storage for long periods can also wipe out the battery.
     The problems it can cause! If your computer depends on the little battery bugger, and most do, an errant clock is the least of the problems you can face. See, your computer in and of itself about as smart as a lead boat anchor. When you press the start button, it has just enough primal intelligence in it to fire up your hard drive to put all that computer type smarts into its ram brain. The startup brains are called the CMOS which then fires up the BIOS, which in turn fires up your hard drive, which loads the stuff to make your computer actually work. The CMOS stuff is held held together only by your little computer battery. When the battery dies, the CMOS evaporates and you can be in a world of hurt. Recently I had a computer that didn't know it even had a brand new expensive hard drive due to a dead battery. Of course, other problems can crop up, some even meaner and more nasty! So, when that clock starts going goofy, replace that little CMOS battery in the innards of your computer!! Your computer will then love you long time!       

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╞From a local news story which ran on GetCalhoun.com in January 2008:

Entitled: The Happy Nigerian or... When it's just too good to be true, do nothing or suffer much hurtings.

Internet Scam Behind Counterfeit bills 
Police in Centre, Alabama say they have interviewed a man who used counterfeit $100 bills to wire about $5,000 to Nigeria and have decided he is the victim of an Internet scam. A police investigator said the man has not been charged with a crime but he will repay the money he gave a Centre business as part of the wire transaction. The man received 48 counterfeit $100 bills by FedEx after “talking” with two people in an Internet chat room. One person said she was a woman in need and the other person offered to send the Cherokee County man money to wire to the woman in Nigeria. The Secret Service is investigating the Internet part of the case. The counterfeit money was described as “high quality” by investigators, making it difficult to detect.  
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About the contributor: Mr. Morrison, frequent contributor, editor and publisher of GetCalhoun.com and OceanView Graphic Designs, has done just about every dumb thing you can do with a computer....and survived, by learning how to get out of trouble quicker than he got in it. Got a tip or trick? Pass it onto someone you love!